#8 - How to have good conversations

Mindful communication is a shared responsibility

I have seen a couple of tweets lately along the lines of "hey, we are bad listeners, and here's how to get better".

The premise is that we generally have two intentions by the time we speak:

1. Venting / just want to get things out of our chests

2. Looking for advice

And the argument is that there are two common communication problems:

1. Listeners don't know which mode to switch to (understanding vs fixing)

2. Listeners don't know how to do each mode properly

We would give advice when the other person wants to just vent, and we don't know how to listen effectively.

Let’s now look at each problem and try to find ourselves a good working solution.

FIRST PROBLEM

Jada Yuan @jadabird

“Do you want to vent or do you want advice?” Just learning now, after 40 years on earth, that this might be the most important question to ask whenever a friend or loved one is upset.

The general sentiment / consensus is to put the responsibility on the listener.

When you're not sure which, just ask: Do you need advice or just want to vent?

Like a fighting video game, let's keep it interesting and attack this from all possible angles. Let's also solve this problem from the other end.

As a speaker, we also have responsibility. We can get better at asking and setting the expectations before we speak.

Basically:

1. As a speaker: Make your intention clear (first to yourself and then to others) and then ask. I just need to vent vs I need some suggestions.

2. As a listener: Ask which mode do you need me to be in? Do you need advice or just want to vent?

Just ask. No one is mindreader. You can't even read your own mind most of the time.

Mindful communication is a shared responsibility.

Get better listeners by being a better speaker. Listen better by asking.

Slightly related, this is another good communication hack:

Ally Hord @hordie

My husband and I decided to start saying “I need attention”, and honestly, it’s a real relationship timesaver.

Ask ask ask.

SECOND PROBLEM

I have a couple of go-to thoughts to hold by the time I'm listening:

• Why is he/she telling me this?

• What does this person need?

• Absorb, don't evaluate

• How can I help?

• There's something there, how can I help them share more?

A couple of my favorite pieces about art of listening, conversations, and asking questions:

• Celeste Headlee's TED Talk: 10 ways to have a better conversation

• PodcastNotes on interview with Celeste on The Knowledge Project podcast

• Brandon Stanton on The Tim Ferriss Show: Brandon Stanton – The Story of Humans of New York and 25M+ Fans (#321)

• Cal Fussman on The Tim Ferriss Show: The Interview Master: Cal Fussman and the Power of Listening (#145)

This is pretty solid checklist as well:

Dr. Emily Anhalt @dremilyanhalt

Tips to be a better listener: 🤫 Listen quietly; show you’re present with nods not words 🧠 Don’t be thinking of what to say next 💬 Allow for pauses & silence ❓ Ask questions to help the speaker deepen or expand 🙅🏻‍♀️ Don’t feel compelled to fix or give advice 👂🏽You got this

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Originally published at Proses.ID and Medium.com

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Hi there! Almost all activities in life revolve around 1) getting things into our heads, 2) out of our heads, and 3) hopefully across into someone else's head.

We learn, we think, and we communicate.

How are you managing these activities right now? Are you doing any deliberate practice to get better at them?

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Good conversations are rare these days but we often forget that we can create them. So remember to share this with friends and colleagues who can relate to spark meaningful discussions and generate shared experience.